Sometimes is quite hard to accept that we deliberate choose to suffer. For some people this might sound crazy but I do believe it is true, at least for me. If I stop to think about all the situations in my life that I’ve been unhappy, I realise that actually in all of then the only one responsible for it was myself. I put myself in that situation, I had choices and I chose to be there.
Thinking like this works for me, but might not work for everyone. I’m pretty aware I have many privileges in my life and perhaps a range of choices which is a lot different from the majority of people. However everyone suffers, and sometimes is easy to put yourself in the place of a victim and just keep suffering forever.
Since today was finally sunny, I decided to go read my book in the park. I’m reading ‘Love and be Free’ by Sri Prem Baba, and the chapter I’m on right now is exactly about that. He says that we are self-responsible for every negative situation that keeps repeating in our lives. This is because we have a fixation on the moment that our spontaneity was first blocked, and we felt excluded, rejected or humiliated. Our vital energy was distorted and we starting feeling pleasure on the unpleasure. So we basically start saying no to happiness cuz being our spontaneous self have caused some pain in the past, however the trick here is that not being ourselves will cause even more pain with time. We start feeling some sort of pleasure in resisting what we really want and that makes us unhappy.
So I questioned myself who inside me desires to suffer? And I came to the conclusion that a weak version of myself does, because is myself full of insecurities fear and hate. But deep down what I actually want is to be happy, free, loved, sing, dance and move with no fear of being repressed for it. I felt there is this stronger version of myself just wishing happiness and spontainety all the time. So I realise that indeed I was the one who chose to suffer in the past, but I also have the choice of doing the opposite. I’m the only one responsible for all my actions and my decisions.
At this point many memories from the past start coming of moments where I deliberated decided to suffer, from teenager times til now I found out many situations I believed I was a victim but that actually I put myself on it. Than I started having insights of my childhood; I was trying to recall the moment where I actually loose the contact with myself, and my spontaneity. It’s crazy the amount of stories we collect in only a lifetime, and how many parts of ourselves get lost within the years we keep living, so doing this intensive inner work today actually felt really intense. I decided to meditate on this memories, inhaling saying to myself ‘let’ and exhaling saying ‘go’. Not sure anything was completely released but I definitely accessed some deep shit and overall it felt pretty awesome to bring awareness to it.
For sure it will take some time to be able to really understand this concept and apply some real change in my life, but what I wish to do for now on is simply choose happiness over suffering. There is no reason to keep suffering over and over the same things, we were born to find happiness and I believe the only way to it is to really connect with yourself and find what your soul is craving for, and clearly putting yourself in the place of a victim is not gonna help on that.