So yesterday once again I got my self being asked this question by a random person. If only I could count how many times and situations I was asked this, and all the random answers I gave…
‘I was bored in Brazil’, ‘I needed some change in my life’, ‘I just taught it was a cool place to live’, ‘I needed some time to think’.
Normally people are happy with this answers and move on, but sometimes they get very confused and keep asking things like ‘Did you know anyone here’, ‘Did you have a job’, ‘Did you speak German’. The answer to all the questions is always no.
But yesterday this dude asked me if was it for love. Actually thinking about it perhaps it was, but for self love. At the time I just needed to move on with my life and was not sure where to start. I was craving change, something challenging that would just bring happiness to my soul.
I was simply going crazy back then in Brazil. I had a very hard break up with with my ex boyfriend. There was this idea of living happily together in Rio de Janeiro which didn’t worked out so I was coming back completely devastated to my parents house in São Paulo. My career in Fashion was also going down the hole. I had already realised it was not my passion, but somehow I was still forcing myself to keep trying it, which was obviously not making me satisfied.
I remember one day in Rio de Janeiro, me and my boyfriend were in the bedroom with that end of relationship mood up in the air and my mind was just going crazy with all this thoughts… ‘What the fuck am I doing here? I don’t even want to be here, everything is wrong! I don’t even wanted to come back to Brazil to start with. I need to go somewhere else… I’ll go live in Berlin’.
This thought came completely random, but subconsciously I kind always had this desire to live in Berlin. I remember back in 2011 when I was living in London I had this ridiculous idea of spending summer in Berlin pretending to be someone else and then write about this experience. I guess at the time what I didn’t realise was that I was already wearing a mask while living in London and perhaps all I wanted was to go somewhere that I could be myself. Also, just before I deleted my Fotolog (oh yeah the old school Instagram), I went trough the posts and found one from my first visit to Berlin in 2008 saying something like: Berlin is awesome and that perhaps after going to London for a while I would go back there to learn German. Well when we wish we get it right? (I guess just not yet the learning German part).
I feel that with all that shit happening back in Brazil at the time, I was so lost and confused I just wanted to go away and hide somewhere where absolutely no one knew me. I had no friends in Berlin, I just knew it was a pretty cool city that really catch me both times I was there before, so I thought why not give it a try?
I guess in the end I just end up here because there was something inside me telling me to come. That is just so hard to explain to people, but when you heart tells you where to be you just know and you go.