Little lonely girl

So today after my Yoga class I cried… That was not the first time that this happened, yet I like to think that it is great when it does cuz it shows that something is really getting released from the practice.

Today it was related to my childhood. I had a very deep conversation with my friend yesterday about some facts from my childhood which made me reconnected with some events from that period. And by having all that fresh in my mind was just helpful to bring it up during today’s Yoga practice.

We were practicing jumps in Dolphing pose and I didn’t manage to control my jump and fell to the other side, which was not such a big deal and even felt quite nice and funny. This recently happened another time in class during Downward Dog jumps preparing for Handstands, which was a bit more noisy and shameful. Either way I just mention this whole falling to the other side thing as it is a totally new experience for me, as also I just recently loose the fear of inversions. Being not a very active person before Yoga and not a very active child, I also didn’t have many opportunities to experiment falling like this in my life. Either way at that falling moment I felt just like a child.

So during Savasana all this memories came to my mind, of me inside my house back in São Paulo, it was, big, cold a lonely. My parents worked really hard to support me and my sister, which at the time lived with my grandparents, as due to her disability needed to do a lot of activities during the day and only they had the time to take her. So my weekly afternoons were spent mainly alone in my room with my toys and the television. I started to remember that house and how it felt like a prison to me, there was all this feelings of fear and loneliness coming out and I just wanted to cry. I connected this feeling of being in that house with being in my own body, like a prison which doesn’t allow me to express myself fully. At this point, I remembered my friend saying the day before that, during his hypnosis  section, he was told to imagine himself hugging the little boy he one day was, and I just tried to do the same. I was then imagining little Mariana and trying to comfort her.

After all this feelings coming during Savasana, I knew this all needed to go so I just went to the toilet sat there and cried.  I cried just a bit, I guess I didn’t let everything go, but it felt good anyway. The funny thing is that this thoughts about being lonely were quite present the past days too, even on Sunday I felt quite sad for coming home alone after a party. Normally being alone feels great to me and I really enjoy my own company, but that day I just wish to have someone I love near by.

Yesterday on the same talk with my friend we mentioned having relationship problems and how this could be connected to childhood issues. In my case, I always have this problem of needing a lot of time alone, especially when I’m with someone. I guess having a history of two long distance sort of relationships somehow has to do with this. There is this need of knowing I have someone available somewhere but which is not influencing in any of my daily activities. For me now it feels that this is just  a mechanism I found during childhood to fight against loneliness, I learned to enjoy myself and my time alone since there was no other option, however the craving for love, protection and attention still remain present and sometimes it does comes out.

For my contort at the moment I’m re-reading this amazing book ‘Love and being Free’ by Sri Prem Baba and he mentions this blockage of our spontaneity during childhood. Most time in order to get food, love and protection, we need to follow some sort of limitations imposed by our parents, so we ended up creating a mask in order get what we need, this completely destroys our freedom and put ourselves very far away from our essence. I believe the goal of our lives is to find this lost essence, this essence of love that is hidden by a mask of fear. I feel I’ll need many falls like this one today in order to take out all the masks I have created, but I’m sure Yoga will keep helping me to bring awareness of my true self. That little lonely girl is now very grown up, she still cries when she falls but then she stands up and move on to the next challenge.

 

 

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